How to Strengthen Your Connection – Turning Towards Instead of Away Episode 55

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Today we are building on episode 54: Love Maps in February: The Foundation of a Sound Relationship. Strong relationships aren’t built on grand gestures alone—they thrive on the small, everyday moments of connection. This simple yet powerful concept can make or break the emotional bond between partners.

Join me today as we discuss one of the most overlooked but powerful aspects of a strong relationship. Interested? Well, if so, come on!

Tags: Gottman Institute, Sound Relationship House, emotional connection, relationship tips, turning toward, marriage advice, parenting and relationships, love and connection, building intimacy

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Transcript

Intro Summary

Strong relationships aren’t built on grand gestures alone—they thrive on the small, everyday moments of connection. This simple yet powerful concept can make or break the emotional bond between partners.

Join me today as we discuss one of the most overlooked but powerful aspects of a strong relationship – Turning towards instead of turning away. Have I peaked your interest! Well, if so come on!

Podcast

Before we dive deeper, let’s revisit the foundation we built in our first episode 54 – Building Love Maps in February: The Foundation of a Sound Relationship. Love Maps are about truly knowing your partner: their dreams, fears, favorite things, and daily stresses. But knowing isn’t enough; we must also act on that knowledge. This is where Turning Toward Instead of Away becomes essential.

When we turn toward our partner’s bids for connection, we aren’t just reacting in the moment; we’re reinforcing what we already know about them and showing that they matter. When your partner shares a small joy, struggle, or random thought, they are offering you a chance to show up for them in real-time.

Ok, let’s put a real world/life prospective on the idea or concept of turning towards.

Imagine you and your partner are sitting in the living room. One of you looks out the window and casually says, “Wow, look at that sunset.” This small comment is what Gottman calls a bid for connection. What happens next determines whether emotional intimacy is strengthened or weakened. So, you may be asking what is a bid and why do they matter.

Bids for connection are the small ways or a subtle attempt to engage and share a moment when we reach out to our partners, seeking attention, affirmation, or affection. They can be as simple as a touch, a sigh, a joke, or even a shared glance.

Think of bids like deposits in an emotional bank account. Every time you turn toward a bid, you add to your relationship’s emotional wealth. But every ignored or rejected bid is like a withdrawal. Over time, a couple with more deposits will feel emotionally secure, while a couple with too many withdrawals may feel distant or disconnected.

So, let’s go back to our real world/life example: 

• If your partner turns toward by responding, “It’s beautiful! I love how the sky changes colors,” they are accepting the bid, building connection.
• If they turn away by ignoring it or staying absorbed in their phone, the bid is rejected.
• If they turn against by responding negatively (“I’m busy, stop interrupting me”), the bid is not just ignored—it creates distance.

Here is another real world/life example:

Take Lisa and James, a couple married for 15 years. Every morning, James makes two cups of coffee—one for himself and one for Lisa. Even on busy days, he sets her cup next to her laptop as she starts work. This routine may seem small, but it’s a daily bid for connection. Lisa could choose to turn toward by expressing appreciation—“Thank you for my coffee, I love this little ritual of ours”—or she could ignore it. By recognizing and engaging in these small acts, they reinforce emotional closeness.

Tying in the Love Maps. James remembers that Lisa loves her coffee a certain way, and he incorporates that knowledge into their daily routine, reinforcing their connection.

In this example to further strengthen the relationship recognize and respond to the bids by:

• Noticing the bids: Be mindful of when your partner is reaching out, whether through words, gestures, or body language.
• Responding positively: Even a simple nod, a smile, or a short reply can make a big difference.

·        Creating rituals of connection: Small, consistent habits like how James remembered that Lisa loves her coffee a certain way, and he incorporated that knowledge into their daily routine, reinforcing their connection therefore build emotional security.

• Being present: Put away distractions when engaging with your partner. Eye contact and active listening matter.

So, before we wrap up today’s episode, here’s your challenge this week: Pay attention to the small moments. Turn toward your partner, even in the tiniest ways. And see how it changes your connection.

If you would like to post to my social channels, please do so. I would love to hear how things are going.

Thanks for joining me today! If you enjoyed this episode, don’t forget to subscribe, share, and check out the next episode, where we’ll talk about the next step in the Sound Relationship House—The Positive Perspective. Until next time. Take care.